As boys, many of us learnt the meaning of friendship through shared work and time spent together rather than great speeches about feelings. A man helped another with a difficult job, turned up for an important occasion or kept a confidence. Those gestures remain important. Friendship between grown men has to survive work, family commitments, distance and the simple fact that everybody has more demands upon his time. It survives best when men decide that friendship is worth making time for.
Do not be a friend only when it is convenient
It is easy to see a friend when the evening is free and the occasion promises to be entertaining. The test comes when something needs doing. A house move begins early. A family member is in hospital. A friend has lost his work and is finding his confidence shaken. You do not have to solve the problem, but the offer of practical help is often worth more than an elegant message.
Ask plainly what would be useful. “I can come by on Saturday and give you a hand” is better than an indefinite “Let me know if you need anything.” Some men find it difficult to ask for help. A specific offer gives them something easier to accept or decline. Then do what you have offered.
Be dependable in the ordinary weeks
Friendship is not maintained by emergencies alone. A man who only makes contact when he needs a favour should not be surprised when his friendships grow thin. Remember the important dates that matter to your friends, but also make an ordinary call without a reason. Invite him for lunch. Ask about the new job, the elderly parent or the project that has occupied his weekends.
It need not become a ritual of constant messages. Some good friendships have long intervals between meetings. What matters is that the connection is not forever dependent upon one person doing all the work. A little initiative, taken regularly, keeps a friendship alive without turning it into an obligation.
Listen without rushing to take command
A friend who shares a difficulty may want advice, practical assistance or simply your company. It is worth finding out which. The impulse to take charge can be generous, but it can also make a man feel that his judgement has been dismissed. Ask what has happened. Allow him to finish. If he asks what you would do, answer clearly without pretending that you have seen every side of the matter.
There are moments when straightforward words are required. You may need to tell a friend that he is making a poor decision or treating somebody badly. Do it privately, without cruelty, and be prepared to explain your concern. Loyalty is not the same as agreeing with everything a friend does.
Keep his confidence
Trust is particularly valuable between men who do not find it easy to speak openly. If a friend has told you about a difficult marriage, a business setback or a worry concerning his family, treat the conversation as entrusted to you. Do not convert it into a story to entertain the next group of friends. Do not embarrass him with a reference to it in company.
If you are worried that someone is in immediate danger, seeking appropriate help may be necessary. In ordinary circumstances, however, discretion is the default. The man who discovers that you have protected his confidence has gained another reason to trust you the next time life becomes difficult.
Celebrate his success without competing
A friend’s good fortune need not diminish your own. When he earns a promotion, becomes a father, completes a hard qualification or reaches a personal milestone, congratulate him without immediately comparing his progress to yours. Ask about the experience, recognise the effort and let him enjoy the moment.
Competition can be a healthy part of a friendship, particularly on the playing field or around a game. It becomes less attractive when every conversation must establish who earns more, travels farther or has acquired the finer possessions. A man secure in his own course can take uncomplicated pleasure in another man’s success.
Know how to stand beside him in a difficult season
Sometimes companionship is practical rather than conversational. Offer a lift, help with an errand, bring a meal to a busy household or turn up to support him at a family occasion. Ask before involving yourself in matters he may prefer to handle privately. Respect his decisions about what help he accepts.
There are also friendships which have become persistently one-sided or damaging. Loyalty does not require tolerating contempt or dishonesty indefinitely. Speak openly about the problem before withdrawing if the friendship matters. The old standard is not blind endurance. It is fair dealing, courage and steadfastness where those qualities are deserved.
Turn up. Follow through. Keep faith.
A good friend does not need to speak often of loyalty. He demonstrates it by giving his time, telling the truth kindly, guarding confidences and being present when the occasion is neither easy nor entertaining.