There are few greater pleasures than an unhurried conversation with a person who is genuinely paying attention. A fine exchange need not involve extraordinary wit, fashionable opinions or a table full of accomplished people. It can begin with an ordinary question asked at the right moment. Yet conversation is easily spoiled by a man who is waiting only for his turn to speak. Good company is not measured by the number of stories one tells, but by the attention, humour and generosity one brings to the company of others.
Begin by noticing the person before you
An opening question need not be clever. Ask how somebody knows the host, what has brought him to the occasion or how an important undertaking has progressed. Listen long enough to hear the answer. The next worthwhile question will often arise naturally from something he has said.
Avoid treating new acquaintances as entries in a directory. A rapid succession of questions about occupation, address and connections can feel like an interview. Let the exchange move between facts, interests and the small observations that make it pleasant.
Give an answer more generous than a single word
The art of conversation requires participation as well as listening. If someone asks how your journey went, offer enough of an answer to give him something to respond to. A small detail about a place, a book or an unexpected meeting can open the door. The answer need not become a ten-minute account of every mile.
Notice the balance. If another person has scarcely spoken, invite him in. If you have been quiet for a long time, do not make your companion carry the entire occasion.
Know when a pause is useful
People do not always think at the same speed. Allow a moment after a thoughtful answer before changing the subject. Silence can mean someone is considering what to say, not that you have failed as a conversationalist. Interrupting to fill every gap makes it difficult for more deliberate speakers to enter.
In a group, be especially mindful of the person whose sentence has been overtaken. A simple, “You were saying something about your trip,” restores his place without embarrassing anyone.
Disagree firmly without making an enemy
Interesting people will not always agree. If an assertion seems wrong, ask what is meant, state your own view and give the other person a chance to answer. Separate facts from taste. You can object to an argument without attacking a person’s character or raising your voice.
Not every difference needs to be resolved over dinner. If the subject has become heated or personal, suggest returning to it another time. Courtesy does not require pretending agreement, but it does ask you to recognise when a dispute has ceased to be worthwhile.
Let humour help rather than harm
A well-timed joke can put strangers at ease and allow friends to laugh at a difficult moment. But humour made at the expense of a guest who cannot easily answer is poor entertainment. Be cautious with private jokes when newcomers are present and never use another person’s embarrassment as an easy way to win attention.
A gentleman should be able to laugh at himself. He should also be able to recognise when somebody else is not laughing and change course without a defensive explanation.
End as thoughtfully as you began
Sometimes the most graceful contribution is knowing when to finish. A host may need to greet another guest. A colleague may have an appointment. A friend may have said all he wishes to say. Do not hold a person captive to complete your story. Acknowledge the pleasure of the exchange and move on.
If you promised to send a title, make an introduction or follow up on a concern, do it. The consideration shown after a conversation gives weight to the attention you appeared to offer during it.
At a larger gathering, take care not to form a closed circle that excludes newcomers. Make a little room, explain the subject when necessary and invite the quieter guest to join without putting him on the spot. These small gestures are often more memorable than the evening’s cleverest remark.
Make other people glad they spoke with you.
Ask with interest, speak with purpose, leave room for disagreement and know when to listen. Conversation is good manners put into words.